Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wish there were birth control emojis
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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