I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
