Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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