This is not my ceiling
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
