Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
