we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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