She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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