Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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