burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
