Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
