Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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