I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
