I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
