I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She's the barista slut.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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