I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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