her vagine was all disorganized.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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