i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
