I'm laying in your front yard are you home
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
