Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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