My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
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