My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
