Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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