So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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