nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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