Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
