I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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