i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i barfeds in our rink
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
