...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
