who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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