You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
