im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My pussy is not your playground.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
