Umm I'm too high to move.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
