Sry I called you an 8
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
