There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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