so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have fence marks all over my body
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
