She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
