i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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