I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
