'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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