she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can feel your judgement through the phone
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
