I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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