yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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