I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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