Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
