i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
