I just gift wrapped bread.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
