I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
