"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
