I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
