I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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