Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
